Sweet Child O' Mine: Celebration
by Esbatty
Summary: This is a one-shot and prequel to the ongoing Sweet Child O' Mine serial. Drunken speeches and shenanigans from most of Hawke's companions can be found within.


Crazed Maleficars, Seductive Demons, Maddened Qunari. All those things hadn't made him feel quite as shaken as being left to the mercies of the new Head of the House Tethras and the Captain of the Siren's Call II.

"Listen, I know it burns. The burning, thats good. By morning your mouth'll feel like sandpaper and that just means you'll be - textured, for her pleasure, while you're lapping away like a thirsty Mabari," Isabela had laughed from the Champion's lap while pouring shots directly into mouth.

Bound and in the midst of succumbing to a drunken stupor, each of his so called 'friends' had gone out of their way to present specially prepared speeches that bordered on eulogies. First up was the only happy couple pretty much any of them knew:

"Alright, we are... not good with-", Aveline started.

"Sexual critiques. Including various barnyard animals in the bedroom. Strip poker."

"Shut it, whore, or so help-"

Donnic quickly stepped forward, "What the love of my life is trying to say is we're not great with the whole - well, yes."

Aveline sighed then spoke up once again, "We heard a song on our own Honeymoon, in Val Royeaux and we'd like to - you know."

"Badly dry hump our ears?"

"Isabela!", Varric called out with a smirk.

The Pirate Captain giggled to herself as she quickly turned her attention to dulling Hawke's senses with another draught of booze.

The nervous duo cleared their throats and began belting out the ballad for their captive audience. Hawke found that the shackles had been a bit much considering Merrill was bound by simple twine, yet by admission from his own terse speech following the Guardsmen' song, it seemed Fenris had a hand in selecting Hawke's manacles from Isabela's vast collection.

Reluctantly Isabela left the Champion's lap as it was now her turn to share a rather drawn out, sordid recounting of their sole night together. Her pantomiming of some of the more memorable moments had left Bethany blushing and Donnic's brow furrowed as he appeared to be taking careful mental notes.

"Kitten, as I'm sure you already know, Hawke here has very capable, very deft set of hands. But I tell you this now, while I may have had my spot of fun, that he is yours and yours alone."

The celebrators and various patrons of the newly renovated Hanged Man all gave a sentimental 'Aww' to the Pirate's speech.

"Unless of course you both feeling rather open to sharing some experienced company", she added with comical waggling of her eyebrows while hoots and hollers filled the air as she strutted away on that end note.

The little Elf squirmed in her seat rather bashfully, as Hawke prayed they hadn't taken the lock-pick he kept tucked away in the cuffs of most of his shirts.

Next up was Bethany, her cheeks ruddy from a combination of inebriation, embarrassment, and laughter.

"Dear Brother. My dear, dear older brother. I - I want you to be happy. I know Carver couldn't be here today but, but I'm sure he woulda called you something awful then attempted to punch you out. But thats - that was our Carver, he loved you though", her heavy lidded eyes drifted over to Merrill. "Anyway, so I ask you - both, make me uhhh... an Auntie. Please. Lots of pitter patter of tiny elfin feets."

"Now does anyone want to see - my - Taint?", Bethany declared loudly while tugging on the leather strip that held her Warden's Oath amulet about her neck. Varric quickly sidled up and helped Hawke's little sister make her way back to her seat.

With Anders and Sebastian both having long departed Kirkwall for their various reasons, Varric took the time to pour out a draught for each of them. Despite the circumstances by which they left, they would forever be remembered as the friends they had been to them all.

"And I guess that leaves me, one Varric Thethras, with the honor of closing out this cavalcade of what evidently passes for grandstanding in the streets of Kirkwall."

The Dwarf inhaled deeply before smiling at the bound couple in the middle of Kirkwall's less than finest establishment.

"Hawke, Hawke, Hawke. Its such an odd name, considering it sounds like Isabela asking for more despite her mouth already being full."

With a bang Fenris slapped the wooden table hard while choking on his drink.

"Careful there Elf, I'm just gettin' started here."

Fenris cleared his throat and carried a half broken smile on his face.

"As I was saying, Hawke, first time I saw you - you were neck deep in my damn brother's ass begging for work. Then after getting shut down you got pick-pocketed on the first and last day of Hightown's worst pickpocket. The fact you yourself were already an accomplished thief almost made me reconsider getting you in on that damn expedition. Shit, speaking of which, it was so dark and weird down there in that cavernous place. I was amazed each time we came across the remains of all those brave, stupid bastards that last ventured there."

Varric had paused to take a long swig from his tankard.

"But enough about the time I introduced him to Isabela", the dwarf grinned from ear to ear as Isabela stood up and bowed to their company, "we're here to talk about the happy couple we have with us today."

"Daisy, as much trouble as its been to be your friend, I am so very glad to have met you. I wouldn't trade any of those experiences... for anything less than 2 or 3 silvers."

Merrill blinked rapidly as confusion washed over her face.

Hawke took a moment to lean over and whispered to his beloved, "its a joke. Just nod and laugh."

The Dalish woman gave the biggest, toothiest grin and nodded while laughing nervously.

"Andraste's tits, I could just sprinkle her over waffles and eat her right up. Merrill, its so easy to love you, and yet it still took Hawke over four long years before you two even shared a damn kiss. Seriously, what is wrong with the man? Women throw themselves at him, practically impale themselves on his manhood, and he can't even make a damn move on the girl he actually likes without studying her under a looking glass for all of half a decade."

It was then Hawke's turn to blush which left him suddenly full of regret for shaving his old beard off as his baby-smooth face shone the spreading redness of his embarrassment.

"What I'm trying to say here, after seeing you both together for the past few years, is that it makes me supremely happy to see you both - so happy. Damn, I'm getting sentimental here. Well... *ahem* yada-yada-yada, lets liquor up the lovebirds before they get any further ideas of escaping tomorrow's ceremony."

Hawke squirmed under his bonds, his lock-picks were absent from his person, and now he was pinned again under Isabela's weight. The Pirate Captain took a long swig of rum then proceeded to lock lips with her captive and share all that she hadn't swallowed. He could hear Merrill's shocked gasp at witnessing the scene then heard her giggle, "You're so terrible, Isabela. Do me next!"

It was going to be a long, long night. 


End file.
